Six Different Ways To Eat A Toasted Marshmallow, And What Your Way Says About You
1) Do you spear your marshmallow and then hold it carefully at a perfect distance from the flames, rotating it slowly until it takes on a lovely golden hue like a perfect slice of toast from the perfect breakfast buffet they serve in heaven? That’s so nice. Your marshmallows are perfect. Every time! You will probably excel at everything you set your mind to, and you were probably the valedictorian, or at least the salutatorian, of your graduating class of college (or kindergarten, depending on how old you are). You will do well and go far. But remember: Pleasing authority figures and conforming to institutional expectations will not provide all the nourishment you need in this life. Push yourself to take more risks. This is how we grow.
2) Do you light your marshmallow on fire? And then do you blow it out and eat the delicious burned part, pulling it away from the raw, melty white goo underneath the blackened crust? If so, you are a person of substance. You are unafraid to challenge conventional ideas of “beauty” and correctness. You are a risk taker. You speak directly and you are decisive. Sometimes you make mistakes, but they only make you stronger. Just remember: The burned part is really not very good for you. Try to limit yourself to fifty or so of these at a time.
3) Do you skewer five marshmallows on the end of your stick at once and then toast them and then shove them all into your mouth simultaneously? You are a person who tries to get the most out of every minute of every day. You live fully. You have a passion for life and also for marshmallows. But remember: we only brought ten bags of marshmallows. And now the store is closed. So when these are gone, they’re gone. Slow down. Here– fill up on graham crackers for a while.
4) Will you refuse a marshmallow, no matter how well toasted, if it isn’t handed to you in s’more-form? Are you a smore-only marshmallow eater? If so, it is clear that you prefer the finer things in life and will not settle for anything less than the best. You are a person of discriminating taste. You know what you want. You know what you like. You are a connoisseur. You will be very happy when you are old enough to start in on yellowfin sashimi and Château Latour. But remember: If you want to live the high life, you will need to stay in school and study hard. I’m not kidding. If you intend to slack off, you may as well accustom yourself now to scratchy linens, cheap coffee, and plain marshmallows.
5) Do you accidentally let your marshmallow fall off your stick and into the fire where it becomes lost forever? Do you do this often? Keep trying. Eventually this whole process will come together for you. And when it does, the moment will be all the sweeter because you had to work a little harder for it. Here’s a new marshmallow, a fresh one. Just let the old one go.
6) Are you so busy helping children toast their marshmallows without poking each other or getting burned by the fire that hours have gone by and even though you have a stick, you haven’t used it to toast a single marshmallow of your own? If so, you are probably a counselor, and I like you. Later after the children are all in their sleeping bags, we can hang out by the smoldering coals of the burned down fire and eat all the leftover chocolate. No, it isn’t gone—not all of it. I brought a secret stash. What did you say? Oh…they found my secret stash? Well. That’s okay. I guess. I like you, anyway. That’s all that matters.
- Erin Sweeney